Crying: 4 Tricks to Keeping it on the DL

I have a lot of experience crying. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. Because of my extensive knowledge and frequent bouts, it’s only fair that I share some of my favorite tricks. These tricks are, of course, ways to prevent detection and, therefore, awkward situations.

Trick #1: Don’t acknowledge the tears

This is usually most effective while watching movies or perhaps in church. Just let the tears go and hope that they’ve dried by the time anyone has to actually look at you. Don’t touch your face! It’s a dead giveaway. With this option, you also have to consider your mascara. Prepare ahead: either no mascara or waterproof.

If you’re like me, you have to assume you’ll be crying at some point during the day – “I might be watching Tangled or Fast 5 today, better skip the mascara.” Get it?

This technique can be enhanced with a scarf. With a scarf, you don’t need to worry about your shirt getting wet. All you do is rearrange your throat coat a little bit to hide the evidence.

Trick #2: Let them fall straight from your eyeballs

Best used at a desk or, again, in church. The key is to lean over, resting your elbows on your desk or knees with your forearms parallel to the ground. Just look down at your forearms so the tears can fall straight down from your eyeballs, free of your cheeks. No tear tracks!

I prefer long sleeves with this technique. Your sleeves will absorb the tears without rolling onto your legs.

Trick #3: Breath control

Once you start breathing all goofy, it’s over. All control is lost and people will inevitably start looking at you. Just keep your breathing slow and steady. This can become more difficult if the boogs come. Just stay calm. Grab a tissue and play it cool.

Trick #4: Get a sunburn

“Why’s your face all red?” “Oh, I have a sunburn.” Done.

The key is to let your tears come freely. Once you try to stop them, your face gets all weird and blotchy. Act like they’re not there, and you’re good. These techniques also assist in avoiding unpleasant face contorting.

If you have any other tips or tricks, please share!

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5 thoughts on “Crying: 4 Tricks to Keeping it on the DL”

  1. 5. Avoid recalling fond memories of those who have gone before you: your grandparents, your childhood dog, Leslie Nielsen, etc. The best way to keep crying on the DL is to avoid crying.

    6. Yawn. There are weird people out there who cry when they yawn. Being the weird person why cries when they yawn is way preferable to being the person who cries all the time. Things that make me yawn: The end of “Green Mile” and the song “Taps.”

  2. These are wonderful suggestions and tricks. I will take them and apply them to my life. There is no telling what makes me cry these days so these are gems. Whether it’s the taste of grapes or Spencer giving me a hug, I may just have to refer back to this.

  3. Hey! I just saw Green Mile a couple nights ago. That is so true. Plus, what is with Dawson Creek’s bangs? They’re floofy. Is that why he is crying? Yes, it is.

  4. Stumbled onto this article after google image searching “crying” for a picture to put on the online economics class I teach at Ashford University. It made me laugh since you used James VanDerBeek’s picture there. It is also made me laugh that I still remember the name James VanDerBeek and have never told anyone about my unrequited love for cheesy 90’s television shows. Funny article, keep writing!
    Jason

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